There’s something about a growling, gnashing, rip-’em-dead dog fight that makes people do foolish things. But it’s not our fault. Dog fights tend to send even the calmest folks into a frantic tizzy. We not only fear for our own dog’s safety, but we’re terrorized by the thoughts of high vet bills or even higher lawsuits from the other dog’s owner who will probably insist our dog started the fray.
Don’t fret. Many dog owners have come before you, testing out a variety of methods you can review, use, or quickly reject if your dog ever gets into one of those rip-’em-dead scuffles. Many of the methods below are pretty idiotic, and we rated them accordingly, although a few can be useful if done right.
The Arm in a Blender Method
Stupidity Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 11.5
Stick your arm into the middle of the fight in an attempt to create a barrier between the angry dogs. This is about as smart as sticking your arm into a furious blender whirling with razor-sharp blades at high speeds.
While this method is usually not chosen on purpose, it’s also what typically ends up happening if you’re trying to clutch your dog’s collar or otherwise physically grab at or touch any of the cantankerous canines.
The UFO Method
Stupidity Rating: N/A
Hurl your water bottle, coffee cup or another handy item into the middle of the melee, hoping the sudden arrival of an unexpected flying object (UFO) will stun the dogs into stopping the fight. This only works if said item is already in hand. It does not work if you have to run back to the car to get it. And the results aren’t pretty if you decide to use rocks.
The Liquid Stun Method
Stupidity Rating: Depends
Open your water bottle, coffee cup, or other handy vessel containing liquid and splatter the contents into the heart of the battle. If the fluid is plain water from your water bottle, you’re doing OK. If the liquid is a blast from a nearby fire hose, the strategy is sheer genius.
If the liquid is searing hot coffee, the strategy turns into a keen way to inflict second-degree burns. If the liquid is soda pop, you may stop the fight. But you’re going to have some sickly sweet dogs in need of a bath.
The Jam the Dogs Together Method
Stupidity Rating: 8
Don’t remember where we heard this one, but the idea is to jam the two fighting dogs’ heads together as violently as you can. The theory here is the dogs would be so freaked out they’d instantly stop fighting, make nice and go play a round of croquet.
The method, however, involves getting close enough to end up with arm-in-a-blender syndrome. And it also opens the door for a bigger lawsuit for the neck injuries you now inflicted on the fighting dogs.
The Scream like a Banshee Method
Stupidity Rating: 9.7
This highly popular method of attempting to break up a dog fight involves standing on the sidelines repeatedly screaming things like “Stop,” “Bad Dog,” and “No treats for YOU tonight!” Not only does this add more chaos to the already chaotic situation, but it also makes any nearby babies cry. Oh yeah, and it usually doesn’t work.
The Rib Cage Method
Stupidity Rating: 7
Dog-whispering Cesar Millan says to touch the most aggressive dog on the ribcage, which forces the dog to open its mouth. While that’s all well and good if your timing, precision, and accuracy are that of a stealth bomber, you’re more likely to end up pulling yet another variation of the arm-in-a-blender.
Safest Route to Take
The best defense against dog fights is to keep a keen eye on your pooch at play in dog parks or other social settings and get him away from other dogs at the very first sign of any aggression. If all else fails, you can always pray for a fire hose to drop from the sky to spray them down. Just don’t stick your arm in that blender.